i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
