barbara walters just said penis...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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