apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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