I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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