I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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