Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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