You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
