dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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