I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
