Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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