I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
