Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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