Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
