Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
