If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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