it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
