I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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