We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
