i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize