During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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