Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
