i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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