After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
