Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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