I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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