cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
