My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
