a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize