Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
