So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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