today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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