Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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