Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Randomize