i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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