Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
