I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
