what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You can't motorboat a personality
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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