i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
