yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
