When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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