DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
