I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
