I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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