I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I am midnight drunk by noon
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
