OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
