I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
