yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
