I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
