I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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