The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
