Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
