Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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