...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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