between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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