when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you never un-have a 4some
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
