Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
