Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
