I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
