They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
