I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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