I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
