im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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